Learning to walk again…

10 Comments// Posted in reflection by on 07.16.10.

6 hours after I published my last blog post, something catastrophic happened. I fell down and I heard this sharp thudding sound and I couldn’t move a single inch of my left leg. I was rushed to the ER and based on the xrays, the doctor relayed the devastating news that I broke my patela and I need to go for an operation. I totally whacked my left knee and the doctor had to bolt in an iron rod and screws to keep the bones intact.

Ironically, I didn’t cry when the sharp pain was clinging to my knee when it happened. I guess I was too shocked to feel the pain, trying to comprehend what had happened to me. I was even awake when the doctor did the operation, I was composed when it happened. I could even guide my student, Shafiq with his PowerPoint presentation on my 2nd day at the hospital. (Btw, congrats for being one of the JSLC members!) However, I finally broke down in tears on the 4th night stay at the hospital – four hours after the operation. It was the most excruciating pain ever. I felt so helpless and I kept asking for painkillers, trying to numb the pain. My arms are now blue-black due to the massive injections. In a nutshell, I was a wreck.

Gradually, I started to reflect on my adversity and try to see how I was emotionally and physically affected by it. Then I started to open my eyes and my mind to my surroundings. I started to talk to other patients, the nurses, the doctors and from there, I was subconciously healed. I realised I was not alone, people were trying to help me and there were other patients who were experiencing ever graver situations that I was. I realised that I was too sucked into the vortex of my own melancholy that I forgot to see the flipside of this turbulous phase.

Trying to walk again would take at least 4 months, said the doctor. Even right now, I am struggling with my steps, even the simplest task of peeing is taking a toll on my life. I still need to go through series of physiotheraphy and trips to see the othopedict specialist from time to time. I still can’t bend my left knee but I am still alive. Alhamdulillah.

It is such a humbling moment, I know it might take me longer than usual to walk or to get up to my feet but I am determined to do it, even if I have to fumble along the process. I know God will only test those who could endure such test, it might take me some time to realise the blessing behind this hardship but I am doing my best to pick my self together. I will go through this, stronger than before.
To all my parents, colleagues, friends and students, thank you for being there during this turbulous phase.

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